7:55pm Kenai, AK

My grandmother is dying. She is slowly quietly losing her life. She has Parkinson's and before i left as i was sitting in our front hall packing my bags i found out that she had emphysema too. My mom and uncle are sitting with her right now holding her hand and they say that she is just so peaceful. I sent her flowers today - the most beautiful and bright arrangement i could find - i wanted to brighten her day because we don't know how many she has left. I was just talking with my mom and she said that she is asleep. She didn't wake up today. She is just resting very peacefully. I don't know if she will get to see my flowers but they will be there for her just in case she wakes up. My mom put the phone up to her ear so that i could talk to her because she can hear whats going on around her. I was a little embarrassed because i was crying and i didn't want that to be what she had to listen to but i told her that i missed her and that i hoped that she would be able to wake up and see my flowers. My mom said that whatever i said to her made her mouth move almost like a smile. She also said that my grandmother has been loving having my blog read to her and seeing the pictures which is really all that i wanted. They didn't get to read it today but they will hopefully tomorrow.

It makes my heart hurt.

My dad called me from the road today. He said he was driving to Michigan to be with my mom. I'm glad. because even though we know it's coming there is nothing easy about losing your mom. I am just thankful that my mom is able to be there with her - to sit by her side and find that peace that only comes with meditation and prayer. I don't want my grandmother to suffer or be embarrassed. I want her to be at peace and to be comfortable. Although part of me is selfish. there is so much i want to know. so many questions i have. My grandmother is such a refined graceful woman. Very well spoken and extremely well read and she used to knit like nobodies business. She could watch whole episodes of murder she wrote and never drop a stitch. She would make us hats and afghans and they were always so beautiful and full of love. And she knows more poems and songs than anyone i know...and i wish i knew them all and that i could sing them too. In their retirement she and my grandfather used to travel a lot. They had a camper and they would drive all over the country to different camp sites - marking what states they went to on a magnetic map. I wish i knew more about where they went and what they thought. I want to know what she was thinking as she walked down the aisle and I want to know more about my mom and uncles when they were growing up. I want to know how she was able to stay so positive and I want to know more about our history. I guess i just want more time - to make up for the time when i didn't always make time.

My mom thought i should say something in my blog. because it is affecting me and it helps to put it out there.

Grammie if you are still sleeping when my mom reads this to you - here is one of my favorite poems. I wish i knew it by heart. It really is best read aloud...so you're lucky:

Winkin', Blinkin', and Nod, one night sailed off in a wooden shoe; Sailed off on a river of crystal light into a sea of dew. "Where are you going and what do you wish?" the old moon asked the three. "We've come to fish for the herring fish that live in this beautiful sea. Nets of silver and gold have we," said Winkin', Blinkin', and Nod.
The old moon laughed and sang a song as they rocked in the wooden shoe. And the wind that sped them all night long ruffled the waves of dew. Now the little stars are the herring fish that live in that beautiful sea;"Cast your nets wherever you wish never afeared are we!"So cried the stars to the fishermen three - Winkin', and Blinkin', and Nod.
So all night long their nets they threw to the stars in the twinkling foam. 'Til down from the skies came the wooden shoe bringing the fisherman home. 'Twas all so pretty a sail it seemed as if it could not be. Some folks say 'twas a dream they dreamed of sailing that misty sea. But I shall name you the fisherman three - Winkin', Blinkin', and Nod.
Now Winkin' and Blinkin' are two little eyes and Nod is a little head. And the wooden shoe that sailed the skies is a wee one's trundle bed. So close your eyes while mother sings of the wonderful sights that be. And you shall see those beautiful things as you sail on the misty sea, Where the old shoe rocked the fishermen three - Winkin', Blinkin', and Nod.